The Loss of My Sister Taught Me She Is Still Here (Shawn)
“I need a banana. Bring me one?”
I told her I didn’t have time but would try tomorrow. I never had the opportunity. Twenty-four hours later the sound of her voice was silenced by a breathing machine. They strapped her hand to the bed rail because she kept taking the tube out of her mouth.
All of my life she fought for me. Our dad’s death didn’t teach me about loss — losing her did.
Connie was a teenager when I was born. She was my babysitter, stylist, classroom Mom, personal lobbyist, protector, educator, guidance counselor and “bestest” big sister.
It has been almost twenty years, but it hurts like it was last week. Thinking of all the ways she is still here comforts me. Conversations with Lori, my “Laverne”, makes me smile because I still feel you — we are Double Trouble. Hanging with Stephanie reminds me how you encouraged her to break out of her shell — and know that she was always safe with me for our adventures.
After driving all night, making to trips to Atlanta, I stood at her bedside, holding her hand (I unlocked the latches for you). Her eyes let me know that she knew who I was. She knew I was there.
It has been almost twenty years, but it hurts like it was last week. Thinking of all the ways she is still here comforts me. Conversations with Lori, my “Laverne”, makes me smile because I still feel you — we are Double Trouble. Hanging with Stephanie reminds me how you encouraged her to break out of her shell — and know that she was always safe with me for our adventures.
I recall our last moments. “I picked up your nephew this morning. His teams said they were going to win it all for you. As I was driving, I realized something. You have always been my big sister. We have been through a lot. I never told you enough, how much I love you. How lucky I am to have you. You are my best friend and you taught me how to be a great friend. I love you and I need you.
And I am sorry that I didn’t buy that banana for you.”
She squeezed my hand. As I looked up, I saw the tears streaming from her eyes.
I thought, then, that was our last moment. Time has taught me that Connie never left me and never will. The bond between sisters transcends boundaries of this world and eternity. It manifests in people we love and hold dear to our hearts. Your laughter lives in Tianna. Your smile lives in Sanaii. KJ has your beautiful brown eyes. Anthony is the gentle caretaker you taught him to be. Jazmine’s fearlessness is rooted in your encouraging words. You are Kandice’s conscious.
If I could collect pieces of all my cousins and friends your age, they would create you—my sister.
This post is written by Shawn Brown, as part of DEAR QUEENS’ Sisterhood Saved Me series, dedicated to honoring, celebrating, and inspiring black female friendship.
Shawn Brown was born & raised Connecticut Yankee that has lived part of my life in Queen Charlotte's Court (N.C.). Youngest of 3, Mom of 3 and Nana to 3 beautiful grandchildren, Shawn works to support her shopping, travel and entertainment habits! #NE4LIFE (New Edition, that is.)